With Loss, Comes Lessons

Life is so amazing; one minute you are so happy and in awe of its beauty and the next, it’s taken away from you and you are left to suffer, grieve, learn from it and eventually move on. This year has been a fast one to say the least.

If you asked me how I thought 2016 would turn out; I wouldn’t know what to say. Now having lived through it I can say it has been one of the best years of my life; filled with so many joys, challenges, and lessons. Starting with getting engaged on New Years Eve 2015, to getting married in September 2016. A lot has happened in the span of a year and I am grateful and truly thankful that each one of these events happened.

I was working an amazing job in Alberta and then got subsequently laid off. The lesson that I learned was the importance of family. I moved back to Ontario with my at the time fiance and was able to spend time with friends and family again. Shortly after, we bought an investment property and decided in June that we wanted to get married this year. A few short months of planning and running around to different vendors, we got married on our 8 year anniversary, September 10, 2016. A couple of weeks later, my husband and I learned that we were expecting. We were a bit overwhelmed but at the same time extremely happy and excited. I had no idea and meanwhile fell sick with the flu not once but twice, I felt so weak and tired all the time but didn’t know why. Then I took a test and everything made sense.

From the second I found out I was pregnant, I took precaution with everything I did and ate. I was sick with the flu so I couldn’t take any medication for it and just sucked it up.

As life often does, a curveball was thrown and that beautiful little blessing turned into a loss. At 7 weeks I got my first ultrasound and was told to come back in 2 weeks to see if things had progressed. Nothing happened and I was diagnosed with a  blighted ovum miscarriage and my life hasn’t been the same ever since. I was told that there was no fetal pole just an empty sac. I was prescribed Misoprostol to help move things along.

It was the worst pain ever, I thought I was having contractions. It felt like TOM cramps but amplified by 100. I wasn’t prepared for this and was caught off guard when it happened. Leave it to the doctors with poor mannerisms to act like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

After the misprostol treatment I was told there was still remaining tissue stuck inside. I was then scheduled for a procedure called dilation and curettage (D&C). The procedure left me feeling crampy and a bit sore but the worst part was that it was so close to Christmas eve; the time when I had been planning to announce my pregnancy.

I am still in the middle of processing and accepting it but I know in the end that everything happens for a reason and that God has a better plan for me.

Instead of being bitter and emotional, I am trying to approach this from a logical point of view. I don’t see this as someone being taken away from me but as an opportunity to better prepare myself for the time when it will happen.

As my heart heals, I am taking steps I need to take to get my health and mind back to a good place.

This situation has taught me so much over the past few months. I think I felt like what it would be like to become a mother and be responsible for raising a small human and teaching them to be a good person.

Of course, it still breaks my heart whenever I see a pregnant woman, baby, small child or pregnancy announcements and ultrasounds I have faith that my time to become a mother will come and I will appreciate it even more.

I also know that things can always be worse and so I am grateful as well that it happened when it did and not later in the pregnancy. From the pregnancy, I learned that I have a large cyst on my ovary and would not have known otherwise so it forced me to address this issue and to handle it before it got out of hand.

Miscarriage in any form, is a sad and unfortunate topic and situation to be in but it happens all too often and needs to be talked about more openly. When it happened to me I couldn’t help but think it was my fault and that I could have done something to prevent it; I felt like my body had failed me and I kept blaming myself.

Over the past month or so I have convinced myself to believe that God allowed this to happen so that something even greater will come of it in the future.

Have you ever experienced a loss that changed your life? Please share your story and comment.

Stay strong and beautiful!

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